You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
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you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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