for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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