Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you traded sex for a burrito?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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