i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I party with great urgency now.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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