My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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