The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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