apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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