I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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