I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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