Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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