Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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