I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
