worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
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Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
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I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize