i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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