I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
