when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
