you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
