you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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