FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
