I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We have started to decorate penises.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
