I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
