It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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