Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
