Is it normal to miss your booty call?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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