I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize