Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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