i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
