You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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