tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
