How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
