today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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