My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
