I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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