yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The feeling are messing with the penis
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
