I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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