Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
How external is "for external use only"?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Randomize
