Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
