Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
