Soap is not a condiment
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
