Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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