You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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