Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
