On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
