I have demons in me.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
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I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
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She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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