is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
