so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
