whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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