I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
