I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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