Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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