masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
