tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
