You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
