my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
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