I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
