Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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