Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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