so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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