Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
