a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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