She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
