remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
