He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
