A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Farmville is her only friend.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
as a side note pls kill me
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