yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
